The Adventures Of The Bird's And The Bee's Club
by 0Alice-Cullen0
Summary: The B and B club decide to go on an adventure to Forks, Washington. BEWARE: We're Insane! Crazy, Hilarious Stuff Happens!This is dedicated to my bff's at The B and B chat.ILy F-Bomb,Sex Ed, Angel,Potatoe,Sexy,Cracka and of course me! I SUX At Summarys


**Okay! The first chapter is done guys! It's 11:16 AM and I totally pulled an all nighter! I am About to crash. This story is dedicated to my besties at "The Birds and The Bee's" chatroom. Anon's Suck! lol. 333 ily F-Bomb, Sex-Ed, Cracka, Angel, Potatoe, and of course Sexy. I hope you guys like this first chapter. 333 Ilyy! This Storyy is Mostlyy Told in My Pointt of View! Teehehe Matt! I Win!! **

**Walking Porn Sex-Ed **

**Mwahaha!! I WIN!**

* * *

Emma's P.O.V.

It was a rainy day in the small town of Spoons. Spoons wasn't always my home. I used to live in Miami, Florida. Also, known as "The Sunshine State". So, how did I end up in this rainy town. Well, long story short, I was accepted to go to this big snobby "genius" school they have here. I mean, one day your on the beach surfing, and the next minute your in some kind of academy for the rich and snobby.

So here I am, in Spoons, Washington. It's been a very, damp summer and to think, summer vacation has only just begun. But, it's not all that bad in Spoons. I mean, I have a great group of friends here…and the scary part is, right before we were accepted to this school we all met on a chat room for this really popular book called "Sunset". Well, it's really more like a series. There's Sunset, Purple Crescent, Red Stars, and Cryptic Moons. Well, it's just about these vampires, and werewolves, and a human girl, and love.

Trust Me. You wouldn't understand it, or the obsession. So, we all love The Sunset Saga. But, I never really introduced my friends. So, here I go. There's Claire, of course. Claire is…well…INSANE. She's completely and utterly in love with a fictional character named Casper (from the Sunset Series). But who isn't, right? She likes to randomly send me pictures of hoboes that say "Suck the Hoboe"…but I don't mind. Her famous nick name, you ask? Well, on the chat she's: Casperlover234 and we also just call her F-Bomb (don't ask). She gets banned like 89 times a day, but I love her!

And then there's Alana. Alana, Alana, Alana…innocent much? I mean, yes, we are ALL virgins, but she just NEVER gets in trouble. It's very ridiculous actually. And, that there is the reason we call her Angel. But sometimes, she comes down from heaven and becomes a ghost. Boo! And don't EVER, EVER show her scary videos (or I'll kick your ass).If you want to find her online (you won't cause "The Birds and The Bees" chat room is private and exclusive) her name is Juiiniko. And yup. She rocks!

The next member of our group is Emily. Emily is like my sister (when we role-play Sunset she literally is, she plays Rosalina, while I play Alicia). Ask her about "chasies" and she'll know exactly what your talking about. She's very, very smart like that. In the chat she's XxRosalinaxHalexX and if you stalk her she'll tell you to "Go Suck A Hoboe!"…so don't. She's ultra, super AWESOME! And so we call her Cracka!

So, moving onto Sarah…well Sarah is in love with a fictional character as well. His name, you ask? It's Carlos and he's the "father" of the Mullen's. We call her Sexy, but that doesn't give you the right to smack her butt. She goes by the online name of lesliemullen12 and likes to make videos of Leslie and Carlos Mullen. Two vampires in love. She might try to push condoms on you so watch out. She will mostly offer cherry, strawberry ripple, grape, and sometimes peppermint (for Matt). She role-plays as my mommy, so don't mess with her. She's the best mommy you can have. But don't EVER answer her strange questions…they're strange.

If you allow me to continue, I will introduce Matt. Matt is a very strange dude. I find him strange in the way that he can stand to put up with us every single day. It's not something easily done, for you see…we girl are CRAZY. And if you ask him why, his only reasonable response would be "Because they got high…" Now, it's not like we do weed (or do we?) we just enjoy getting high, on pixie sticks. But, Matt is the only guy that will ever partially understand. Partially. I don't think he enjoyed it when I put porn on the chat and he got banned for 15 minutes, just for trying to get rid of it either. If you want to harass him, his username is Tedward8D. Although he claims he is a virgin, he know an awful lot about "sex". I mean my vocabulary has improved twice as much since we met. Anyways, me and Emily DID nickname him Sex-Ed. He's very, very smart and enjoys winning contests about "which sex position is which". He will totally smack you (not really) if you post up "Book Porn" or any kind of porn, as I did. Oh yes, and if you ask him about condoms, he'll most likely yell "Peppermint!". And he is the best "big brother" ever (to annoy). And we ALL love him!

Then there's Madie, of course. Or as I like to put it; Mad-Dog, Madderz, or simply Potatoe. She rocks, and also has a profound love of horses. Yes, she does ride horses people. She also enjoys getting "high" with us and speaking of hoboes and how they "Suck It!" (as Clare puts it). She gets banned a lot, so "anons" better not mess with her. Very straight forward…kind of. Her screen name is Madielovestedward1, of course. And obviously, she is a total Sunset addict. I love her as much as I love potatoes…A LOT.

And lastly, but not least…there's me. What's new. I'm 14, I enjoy reading the Sunset series, and I'm awesome. Any questions? Well, okay. That's not all, but my friends call me by many names. Emma (my name), The Porn Reader, and of course, Walking Porn (thank you Matt). Why would they call me these names, you ask? Well, the answer is simple. Have you ever heard of a fan-fic? Well, did you know they have Sunset fan-fics…porn-like, Sunset fan-fics? Well, I did. And yes, I do read them. And I make Matt read them, and everyone else for that matter. So that is EXACTLY why I am "Walking Porn". I'm extremely funny and I can have a sick mind sometimes. So watch out, because yes, it is true. I tend to be disgustingly funny. So, enough about me. Let's move on.

Anyway, I have no exact idea as of what I will be doing this summer. I think I'll go on the chat and see what's going on. I slid my skillfully into my bag and pulled out my lap top. Just after I logged on, I received a message. The message happened to be from Matt. Now, what could that idiot be bugging me about today, I thought.

**Tedward8D: Emma!! OMFG!! Get ur butt, my house right now!**

**0AliceCullen0: Whyy?? Do you comprehand thatt I don'tt have a car and there's no one home to take me or anything!**

**Tedward8D: Fine! I'll pick you up! Pack your bags!**

**0AliceCullen0: Why…**

**Tedward8D: Just trust me gurly! Now go! Call urr Dad and tell him your going on a trip with us!**

**0AliceCullen0: And exactly, who is US!!**

**Tedward8D: Just Do It! WTF is this 20 questions or something!?**

**0AliceCullen0: Well…fine…okay then. Geez. Bii. Cya…soon I think.**

**Tedward8D: Bye**

What the screw, was that. I thought as I gently closed my lap top. I quickly got up from my seat on the couch and headed towards my room. I guess, since he told me to pack, I should. Right? Well, I will any way's since he won't even tell me what we're doing. As I took my cell phone out of my pocket I looked at my wardrobe and mentally decided on what to pack. "Hey Dad" I spoke into the phone when my father answered. "What is it?" he asked and I could tell he was suspicious due to my monotonous tone, that was usually perky but not at this very moment.

"Well, dad. Matt invited me to go…umm…to a Sunrise convention with him. And, it lasts three days, so I probably won't be back till then" I said as sincerely as I could, because I myself knew it was part lie. "Of course you can honey, but remember to call me every two hours." My father replied. Damn, it was so easy to trick your parents these days. "Thanks dad, I love you. Bye" I said quickly. "I love you too sweetie!" he said. Then, before he could say "Bye" I closed the phone and put it back in the pocket of my jeans.

Then I reached into my closet and began to throw every perfect article of clothing I had into a duffel bag. Socks, Shirts, Jeans, Sunshine sweater from Cold Topic, converse that taunt me so much, Days of The Week panties, bras, my lap top, and well…everything else that I would not leave home alone with my two little brothers, who were not home at the moment.

Just then I heard a horn. "Beep! Beep!" and I was very positive that it was Matt. I could sense it in the way there were two beeps, not just one, but two. He added just one more to annoy me, even as irritated as I currently was. I could even hear his music blasting from inside my house. "I was gonna clean my room, but then I got high. I was gonna get up and find the broo-". I blocked my ears from what seemed like an irritating song, but was actually my current ringtone.

Then, I trudge angrily to the front door, duffel bag in hand. I opened the door and heard a familiar voice yell "Come on Sex-Ed! Just tell me, please! What's an orgasm?". It was the one and only, Sarah. Why couldn't she just drop the sexual stuff. I mean was it not obvious that Matt did not want to hear it. "Or does he?" I muttered under my breath. I fumbled with the keys a bit as I tried to lock the house door, but I managed to get it locked. Then, just as I was checking a second time to make sure it was locked, I heard a car door open and many foot steps coming quickly at me.

Before I knew it my duffel bag was gone, and I was no longer on the ground. Ahead of me ran Alana with my duffel bag, back toward's the van that Matt was driving. Madie and Clare were the ones lifting me above the gound. Clare was at my feet, while Madie's head was above me. I looked up at Madie and yelled "Put me down! I can walk!" but she instantly ignored my pleas and responded with one common phrase. "Oh no, You're my bitch now Emma". Before I knew it I was brutally thrown in the 2nd row, of the mini van that had 3 rows. In the corner, behind me Alana was huddled up under two blankets and beside her was Emily who was silently reading a how to book entitled "How To Explain Chasies To A Toddler, For Dummies". Both looked up at me at exactly the same moment. "Hey Porn On Wheels!" Emily said to my face in a manner that reminded me, that she DID carry around pixie-stix at all times. "Hi Emm" Alana whispered, although boredom lingered in her tone.

Just then Matt turned around and said "Are you ready?". Ready for what? I thought, as I turned around quickly and spotted Clare putting my duffel bag in the trunk that had six other bags in it. Then suddenly Madie was on the right of me and Sarah was crawling over me to get to the other side of me, leaving me in the middle of my two wacky best friends. Madie then closed the door and began to look at me like I was some kind of hoboe. "What is wrong with you?" I asked slowly, allowing my words to come out the right way. "No, the real question is what is wrong with you. I mean look at your hair!" the words spit straight out of her mouth like bullets. What was wrong with my hair? It was curly…and brown. I knew that for a fact, but what could she find wrong with it that reminded her so much of a hoboe?

"What?" I replied. "It's…it's…it's hideous!" she spoke. "No it isn't!" I defended, looking for a mirror. I crouched forward in the car to look at the mirror. My hair looked fine, but fine wasn't always the case with Madie. Just then Clare took a seat in the passenger seat right next to Matt, and gently closed the door. Then Matt began driving and the car began to move. "My hair is fine, you dumb ass" I told Madie, simply. I knew what she wanted though. Madie loves to beautify me. So I took all my hair and brushed it to the right side of my face, towards Madie. "Yay!" she said, clapping her hands together. I heard Emily snort from behind me. Then Madie came at my hair with a brush that I'm guessing she had prepared for my arrival.

Then a voice came from in front of me. "So…" it was Matt, trying to break the awkward silence that had formed in this care of wacky best friends. "So nothing! Where the hell are you taking me?!" I quickly took control of the conversation. The awkward silence formed again as Matt drove into a Burger King drive-thru. "Ohh! Make her guess!" boomed Alana's voice from the back seat. "Okay." Matt said. "What?" I spoke, dumbly. "Well, it involves tents-" before he could continue Clare cut him off "In pants" she said, although she made it sound as if she was coughing. The whole van burst in to a fit of giggles then, including me. "No. not in pants" Matt continued. "It involves tents, forests, and camp fires." Matt said.

"Wow. How hard. Um...swimming?" I replied, sarcastically. Of course I knew the answer was camping, dumb asses. Then came Sarah's voice from beside me "Nope…Were going camping!" she screamed. And everyone chimed in with her. "Okay." I said, simply. Matt then turned around "That's it…no kicking, no screaming, no being so over the top as you tend to be!" he spoke, as if he was in disbelief. The look on his face was pure shock. Anyway, I like camping. When the summer get's dull, the weirdoes go camping. Right? "Nope, no hiding under tables today Sexy sex-Ed!" I said, kicking my feet up on the small compartment box between Clare and Matt.

Then Matt shouted "What do you wanted from Burger King!" and 6 different answers came out. "Number 11!" I yelled. The rest of the answers were jumbled between a Whopper Jr, a chicken sandwich, a Baconator, chicken mcnuggets, no they're called tenders here, and a salad. Some how, Matt managed to remember all of that plus his order and when the speaker asked "What would you like to order sir" he told the man every single thing we wanted. But just when the speaker said "Would you like anything else sir?" Sarah yelled "Hold up!" and everything went silent. She crawled her way to the front row, leaned over Matt's lap and stuck her head out of his window, so her face was right next to the speaker. "Yes miss?" the man in the speaker questioned again. "Hey, I'm the bitch who ordered the Whopper Jr." she said, and I can feel the laugh just waiting to burst out. "Yes ma'am?" the speaker asked again. "Well" Sarah continued. "I would appreciate it very much, if you were to put some jizz on my whopper…" the giggles were muffled. Just that instance Matt gripped the back of Sarah's thigh, just bellow her butt and muttered "Sarah…get back in the car…" and then the funniest thing ever occurred. Sarah turned her head so that she was facing Matt and shrieked "Don't you touch my ass, you perv!". She then smacked him and at that moment we all just lost it.

The fits of laughter could be heard miles away and when it was over the man in the speaker decided it was his turn. "You want me to do what chick!?!" the dude spoke, and the way he said it made me spare a giggle. "Did you not hear me?" Sarah began. "I want you. To jizz on my sandwich." She said, her tone serious beyond reason. "Umm…sorry, we don't do that here. Service policies, but I'd be glad to-" the speaker guy was cut off by Matt. "I'm sorry. She's not interested in anything your offering to squirt in her mouth. Give me my total and I'll be at the next window with my money. Thank you, and yes I will have a good day." Matt said, anger showing in his voice. Before the speaker dude could even say the total though, Sex-Ed (Matt) rolled up the window and pushed Sarah backwards, resulting with her on top of me, laughing like a drunk. "No one messes with my little sisters" Matt chimed.

We were all giggling at this point when Alana yelled "Turn on the volume B-otch!" and Clare responded with "Gladly". Then before I knew it I was signing like I was high. "Jizz in mahh pants! Tell all your friends and I'll say you're a slut, it's really your fault you were touching my butt!" and Emily finished it off. "I'm really sensitive some one said it's a plus!" she screamed from behind me. Then while Matt payed the sick man that offered to jizz in Sarah's mouth, Madie finally let go of my hair. "There you go!" she sang. My hair did look better. It was brushed out nicely and looked extremely professional. Nothing but the best from Madie. "Thanks Mad-Dog" I said, whisking one piece of hair behind my ear. Madie then looked at me like I had done something wrong "…Potato…" she said, pointing towards herself. I had forgotten her signature nick name. "Oh, yeah. Thanks Potato" I said, looking at Matt as he took the food from the man at the counter. But even when Matt had the bags of food in hand, all eyes were on Sarah, for she was in Matt's lap once again with her head sticking out the window.

She was staring rudely at the man in front of the cash register. "What?" the man said, a slight laugh in his tone. "Do you know what you have just done? You have pissed me off man! Pissed me off!" Sarah yelled into the cashiers face. I turned around quickly and spotted Alana trying to stifle a laugh. "How have I pissed you off" the cashier dude asked, dumbly. Sarah then continued "This is Burger King. Where you can 'have it your way'" she spoke seriously again, using finger quotations on the slogan. And then she continued. "Well, I wanted some damn jizz on my burger and you have denied me off that!" Sarah said, sternly. "Deprived!" Alana added from behind me and Matt's expression was pure horror as he looked at the stern face that Sarah had put on. The more believable, the more historically funny this would be. I guessed she thought. Then she continued her rant. "I am going to sue you! I am going to sue you and I will win!" she yelled, pointing a finger towards the man. Matt then grabbed Sarah by the waist with one arm, pulled her into a sitting position back into the car, and floored the gas. Sending us all flying forwards (we did not have seat belts of course). I ended up in the front row with Matt, Clare, and Sarah. Sarah was still sticking her head out the window yelling "I will sue you! And I will win! I'll win, damn it."

I was pretty sure this was illegal. Three crazy teenagers in a car. Four of them in the front, not to mention to of them in strange sitting positions. A girl in the lap of the driver, yelling crazy things out the window. Every one unbuckled. And the fact that there was a cop behind us. Yup, I'm pretty sure this is illegal. "What are you doing!? Stop the car you idiot!" I yelled, grabbing Sarah and dragging her back into the 2nd row with me. "And what?! Get a ticket!? No!" Matt yelled at me as he continued to drive away from the cops like a maniac. "The po-poe is after us! They're after us!" Emily yelled, as she watched the cop who was far way now, try to catch up. "Yeah, I know." Matt said as he pressed the button to roll up the window. Before I knew it, the cops were long gone and we were traveling at a normal pace on the high way. "So, where are we going any way?" I asked. "Forks, Washington. It's only 300 miles south of hear" Alana said. Then Matt handed us all our orders. "Oh…" I responded, I was hopping that we were going to Knifes, Washington. It's 300 miles east of hear, but it's totally worth it. I mean, it's were Sunset takes place. Maybe Tedward, Ella, and all the Mullen's are there right now!

I lost my train of thought when I heard a screech from the behind me. "Eww, eww, eww, eww!" Emily screeched. "What?" Matt asked, turning his head slightly. "Eww, Sarah. I think they jizzed in the wrong meal! Look!" she screeched once more, holding up her bowl of salad for all of us to see. "Eww" we all said, in unison, in utter disgust. "That's no salad dressing…" Alana said, shaking her head with a slight smirk on her face. "Nope, no it is not…" Clare said, as well. Then we all began our separate fits of laughter and Clare turned up the volume. We began our parody of "Jizz In My Pants" and we renamed it "Jizz In My Salad".

Our fits of giggles slowly came to a stop. "May I do the honors?" I asked, elegantly holding my hand out towards Emily's bowl of salad, that no one would ever eat thanks to that dirty jizzer. "Of course, madam" Emily said, handing me the tainted salad. I carefully crawled to the front seat, leaned over Matt's lap, and lowered the window. Matt continues to drive, and there was no one on the high way. I then noticed that it was beginning to rain, the drizzle was hitting my hair. I stuck my head out the window once again and stuck my middle finger towards my friends. Just before I threw the salad onto the road, my friends began to sing "Jizz in mahh salad!". I slowly went into a laugh attack, as Matt raised the window again. I slumped back down into my seat in the 2nd row. "Hey, can I use you lap top?" Alana asked. She was bored I could tell. It was raining hard now and it was also getting dark, the sun was setting.

"Sure" I said, but Alana was already digging through my bag looking for my lap top. She managed to get it and something else too. As she opened my lap top she looked over at Matt driving. "Hey Matt!" she yelled. "Not listening…" he said, keeping his eyes on the road. "Fine." she said, and I noticed what else she had in her hands. One of my pads that I packed just incase. She opened it up and then it suddenly went flying across the car and landed in Matt's lap. "Haha!" Madie laughed pointing at Edward's lap. "Some one had his period!" Clare said, laughing. "Screw this" Matt muttered, throwing the pad underneath his seat. And so the journey to Forks continued, peacefully…but not for long.

* * *

**So, didya love it! You Jizzers! Jizz in Mahh Pants! LMAO! I know you did! Any way 33333 Ilyy! Review It, or I'll smack you with a broom! Teehehe. I did win! And Matt, Sarah wants to ask you something...(you don't wanna know) LoL. Bii! Luv Ya. Chapter 2 will be up soon!**


End file.
